The Power of Authentic Connection: Be Yourself, Tell Your Story and Lead with Vulnerability

Like many of you, I had the opportunity to spend the recent holiday weekend connecting with old friends and new. During a dinner with a woman I had just met, a personal story I shared prompted her to open up about the challenges she was currently facing. This led to a deep and meaningful conversation between us, solidifying the foundation of a friendship that I know will stand the test of time. Reflecting on this experience, I wanted to share a few key reminders for those seeking to build genuine connections, whether in their personal or professional lives.

Embrace your authentic self:

In any social setting, it's essential to let your true nature shine through instead of projecting a version of yourself that you believe fits the occasion or conforms to societal expectations. It is through authenticity that kindred spirits are able to recognize and connect with one another. Remember, it's not about being the loudest, funniest or most gregarious person in the room, it's about being genuine and allowing others to see the real you.

Share your story:

Take the time to share something meaningful and true about you. By telling your story, you invite others to do the same, creating a powerful bond that transcends borders, positions, race and gender. Our stories have the remarkable ability to bridge gaps and forge lasting bonds.

Embrace vulnerability:

In a world that often encourages us to maintain a facade of perfection, it's important to recognize the strength in vulnerability. Opening up about your own imperfections and struggles can be incredibly disarming and liberating. By doing so, you break down the barriers that often hinder meaningful connections. Remember, no one is perfect, and embracing vulnerability allows others to feel comfortable doing the same.

Forget Silicon Valley, The Best Founders Are In Baltimore

Spent the (bitterly cold) morning yesterday in Baltimore speaking to black business owners about the value of collaboration, partnerships and information sharing. We all want to succeed as individuals of course but when you’re part of a group that’s being marginalized you have to think bigger than that.

I’m committed to supporting female founders and not just in the ‘popular’ cities like NY and SF but across the country and especially in cities with higher concentrations of founders of color. Baltimore has some very interesting things happening in the startup scene and has been described as a hotbed of black innovation. A recent study ranked Baltimore as the No. 2 city in the country for women in tech, with a lot of that innovation being driven by the University of Maryland and The Johns Hopkins University.

Thank you for having me Baltimore. I’ll be back!

Black Women Raise

Black women are the fastest-growing group of entrepreneurs in the nation, yet according to Digital Undivided research, they receive just 0.00006% of available investment capital. This week, All Raise and Unusual VC with support from my organization Black Women Raise, launched When Founder Met Funder, a half day forum designed to give early stage entrepreneurs guidance about their startups and access to potential future capital and, for investors to meet black women entrepreneurs on the rise.

Speakers such as Michael Seibel CEO of Y Combinator gave practical no nonsense advice about what excites Silicon Valley investors…spoiler, they prefer software focused businesses with high margins. Founders had the opportunity to hone their verbal pitching skills in front of a live audience. And personalized storytelling sessions allowed the attendees to further practice pitching, with direct feedback from investors such as Charles Hudson of Precursor.

To really move the needle for black women entrepreneurs, we need as many of these more focused initiatives as humanly possible, as well as investors who want to do more than pay lip service, and actually put real money on the table by investing in the founders of color.

Aging With Power And Purpose

Every other month I host a 30 person dinner for women leaders. Last week’s dinner was co-hosted by the legend that is Norma Kamali, and the theme: Aging With Power And Purpose. Why does society make women feel past their prime after a certain age? Why do so many women talk of feeling disposable or irrelevant past 40, especially when the evidence is to the contrary.

For example, when two MIT professors tapped into census data in 2018, they found the average age of founders behind successful technology startups is 45, and that a 50-year-old founder is twice as likely to be successful as a 30-year-old. A 60-year-old founder, meanwhile, is three times as likely to be successful.

So many women are proving the adage ‘life begins at 40’ by powering up their careers, starting new businesses and utilizing all the experience and wisdom that comes with age. Norma Kamali is a case in point and left us feeling all fired up about our next chapters. She's been in business 50 years, owns her company with no debt, met her soulmate at 65 and has a ton of amazing new creative projects in the pipeline including a new skincare line NORMALIFE. Bring it on!

Back To School - Why Society Is So Lonely

Last September my kid moved to a new school where all the kids already knew each other. So I would check in with him. “Who did you play with today?’ ‘No one’ he’d reply. And my heart would break. On the third day, I decided to enlist the help of the other moms. Some were lovely and helpful and empathetic. But a couple were quite distant, dismissive. And I felt like a little kid again myself, awkward and lost, trying to make new friends in the playground.

There’s a post doing the rounds on Instagram about the importance of making shy or new kids feel welcome. We live in a time where people are lonelier than ever, where the Gen z generation in particular is experiencing record levels of loneliness. And it’s because we’ve lost all sense of community. I personally would never leave another woman standing by herself or allow another person to feel excluded. And I’ve raised my son to be the same. So I’m reminding not only the kids but the adults. Raise your kids to be kind, to include others and to think of themselves as part of a community. And apply those rules to yourself.

It’s Time To Stop Dad Shaming

There’s an interesting new study out and it’s about dad shaming. In the report, 52% of dads say they’ve been criticized about the way they parent, and 44% of that criticism actually came from their child’s other parent. I’ve definitely been guilty of this. From correcting the way my husband put on diapers or held the baby in the early days to disliking his tougher approach to discipline. And more recently, it’s his laid back approach to mealtime, ie pizza rather than my ‘perfectly devised’ nutritionally balanced meal plans.

Society’s assumptions about gender parental roles, which gives the mother precedent is detrimental to both parents. The study showed that not only did the criticism make fathers feel less confident about their parenting skills, it also made them want to be less involved. Obviously the latter is not ok, but it is important for us mothers recognize this behavior in ourselves and to step back sometimes, not only to let our partners the opportunity to step up but to also give ourselves a break. A less involved co-parent is more work for you. Just know that your kids actually benefit from the full parental experience, pizza and all.

Busy Is Not A Status Symbol

"It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol.” BRENE BROWN

Being the last to leave the office and then working more from home. Bouncing from one social obligation to the next. Fulfilling endless kid related tasks. Working even when we are on vacation. Not to mention the endless hours spent interacting on social media. These days, busy is the new cool.  But when does that leave time for self? We are constantly rushed, always stressed, never switch off. But the truth is, the harder we work, the less productive we actually are (according to studies). So maybe its time to stop bragging about how busy we are and start touting how rested and centered we feel.

Why Are Men Too Afraid To Mentor Women?

A recent New York Times article reported on an issue I’ve heard more times than I care to mention in the last year. In workplaces across the country, men are shying away from taking meetings alone with women; male to female mentorships are plummeting and human resources departments are advising male employees to act cautiously in the company of female colleagues. This is devastating for women executives already deeply marginalized and left out of these rooms.

And who do these men say is to blame? Why women of course. We are overly sensitive. We’ve lost our sense of humour. Any fallout is our own doing. But what are these men afraid of exactly? The chances of any man being falsely accused of sexual harassment are negligible. Over the past 20 years, only approx 2% of sexual assault allegations were shown to be fake. What’s more likely, is the 35% of assaults that go unreported. So man up guys! Be an ally. Stand strong alongside women. Let’s create a new paradigm where we can work together in mutual harmony and respect.

Illustration by Ana Galvan for New York Times

Time To Start A Business?

It’s that time of year when we all start contemplating big career changes, and a common one is transitioning from a regular job to entrepreneurship. It’s the most common advice I’m ever asked for. Should I do it? What’s it like? Will I survive? Well here I am all smiles even though I’ve been in the office all week. Much as I’d love to be somewhere glamorous and sun drenched, that just isn’t in the cards for me right now. I have to hit the ground running in January and I see that as a good problem. And by the way, the office building was packed with fellow founders working away, recognizing the sacrifice that comes with working for yourself but fully appreciative of the autonomy and flexibility that also brings. Although this has been far from an easy road I would recommend this life to anyone toying with going out on their own. Why not put all your hard earned experience and relationships towards something you fully own. Think of the possibilities. I’ve personally never looked back. 

If The System Won't Work For You, Work Around The System

They say when one door doesn’t open, find a new door. Instead of trying to change the system, many people are discovering, it’s time to create your own. What are alternative ways people are creating their own path to funding and founding and what can we learn from them? That was the focus of a panel I spoke at this weekend at Forbes 30 under 30 summit, alongside Anarghya Vardhana partner at Maveron; Cindy Gallop founder of Make Love Not Porn and Rica (Modjossorica) Elysee founder of Beautylynk.

Cindy had every door closed in her face and is now raising a $200m fund to support other founders; Anarghya left her job at Google, found part time work with a VC and is now a venture partner, and Modjossorica Elysee bypassed conventional investors and raised money through a syndicate of female doctors and her church. Meanwhile, I’ve been rejected more times than I care to remember but I still keep going, around the system, over the system, building new systems. This is how we open our own doors. . #Forbes #under30summit #womenatforbes

Dee Poku, Cindy Gallop, Rica Elysee, Anarghya Vardhana

Women In Office

Congratulations to this amazing lady, Catalina Cruz who won her primary for the New York State Assembly seat in Queens' District 39 and is now on track to become first DREAMer to hold office in New York State. And thank you to all the candidates who stepped up and pushed a positive inclusive agenda designed to make New York a better place for all, not just a select few.

Honoring Women Workers On Labor Day

Labor Day exists to celebrate the contributions of working men and women so let’s talk about so called ‘women's work’. Women undertake 90% of all childcare and domestic chores, and of the two million domestic workers in America, the majority are immigrants and women of color. They lack the basic legal protections and employee rights, and work long hours with little to no pay. Today is a reminder that not all labor is rewarded equally.

Women

by Alice Walker  

They were women then
My mama's generation
Husky of voice stout of
Step
With fists as well as
Hands
How they battered down
Doors
And ironed
Starched white
Shirts
How they led
Armies
Headragged generals
Across mined
Fields
Booby-trapped
Ditches
To discover books
Desks
A place for us
How they knew what we
MUST know
Without knowing a page
Of it
Themselves.
 

British Vogue Makes History

Edward Enninful, the talented and progressive new editor in chief of British Vogue continues to make great strides. This time, it's with the prestigious September issue of the magazine. The new cover features Rihanna, making her the first black woman to grace the cover of British Vogue in its history.  Why did it take so long? That's for another post. For now, I'm just glad it finally happened. Representation matters. 

Protect Black Women

I'm so saddened and angered by the death of Nia Wilson and the stabbing of her sister Letifah by a suspected white supremacist. Although black women make up 13% of the U.S. population, they are the victims of half of the homicides against women in America. It goes without saying that no woman should live in fear of attack simply because of the color of her skin. Nia had just graduated from high school and has been described by her sister as "the most sweetest person on the earth". I truly hope justice is served.

Illustration by Kaylani Juanita

10 Ways To Say No And Manage Your Time

Women often think an easy yes is better than a difficult no but in the long term we just end up over committed, and disappointing everyone, especially ourselves. At the latest installment of our dinner discussion series, A Dinner For Ladies which was hosted by Marie Claire's Editor in Chief, Anne Fulenwider, our theme was "Stay Focused: Tried And Tested Ways To Say No". The rich conversation produced some great insights (see below). Thank you to chef Sarah Barberio for the delicious food and WelleCo for our generous gifts. 

How To Say No

Schedule non essential requests for meetings up to six months in the future and ask for questions in advance. It weeds out all but the most serious. 

Try grouping mentees into quarterly meetings. They’re likely have the same questions. 

Rather than focus on what you missed out on, hone in on what you gained instead.

Deputize yourself - ensure you have a  strong number two.

Outsource everything you possibly can!

Decide on the one thing you want to happen that day - schedule everything else around it.

If you have kids, decline early cocktails and schedule dinners after 7.30pm - that way you’re home for their bedtime. 

Every month, look back at your diary and review how you’re spending your time

Say no nicely. Never ghost. People always remember the nice no. 

Further reading: There Are No Grownups, The Confidence Code, Tribe of Mentors

Anne Fulenwider, Dee Poku

Love The Body You're In

Consider this:

Your body is a blessing.
Where it curves,
sags,
wrinkles,
where it was
scarred,
burnt, 
touched,
all of this is a map of your life.
Your body is memory,
some sweet,
some sad,
but memory nonetheless.
Your soul is living in a house of stories,
Your body is memory.

~ Upile Chisala, Soft Magic

Inspiring Women Who Overcome The Odds

Forbes Self Made Women

Today, Forbes published its annual list of America’s richest self-made women. It featured many of the usual subjects, some welcome reminders, a few surprises and a plethora of inspiring stories about some of the smartest and most tenacious women in the world.

Highlights include the self-made originator Oprah Winfrey, who transcended poverty and abuse to become the most powerful woman in media; Jin Sook Chang, the co-founder of Forever 21 who emigrated to California penniless, with little education and scant English; Carolyn Rafaelian who was inspired by her Armenian grandfather’s journey through Ellis Island to found Alex and Ani; Spanx’s Sara Blakely who went from selling fax machines door to door to starting her own company with $5000; Theresa Gouw Of Aspect Ventures who emigrated from Indonesia age three and was one of the few in her high school to go on to higher education and Sheila Johnson, a violin teacher who went on to co-found BET. 

Whenever I’m tempted to give up, reading their stories reminds me that anything is possible.

How We Protect Roe v Wade

A Woman's Right to Choose

We all know someone who’s had an abortion. One in four women in America have one before the age of 45 and it cuts across every demographic. I fundamentally believe in a woman’s right to choose when or whether to have children and when the time is right. There’s no such thing as banning abortions, just banning safe abortions. The soon to be announced nominee for the Supreme Court could by a single vote overturn and gut Roe v. Wade. We cannot let that happen. Speak out, and ask your Senator to protect #RoevWade. We cannot go backwards.

Who Makes The Best Leaders?

Tarana Burke talks women and leadership

On a recent panel discussion, #MeToo founder Tarana Burke was asked why sometimes, even when women reach positions of positions of power, they still don’t necessarily push for or create a more diverse workforce. Her answer - it’s not just about any woman, we have to have the right women at the top. Women are also victims of years of patriarchy and we sometimes have to unlearn a lifetime of pre-conceived ideas.

I would add to this that it’s very tough for one woman alone to effect change. When there’s no safety net and she’s on the front line alone, the default is to protect her position by maintaining the status quo.

It takes a village to make a difference.

Gen Z Will Change The World

Speaking at Cannes Lions

There’s a new generation coming up who are already fighting to defend their rights and redefine the workplace and who have no interest in brands who don’t share their values. I loved talking the power of millennial and Gen Z voices on a panel at the Girls Lounge, with designer Rebecca Minkoff, Berlin Cameron President Jennifer DaSilva and Girlboss founder Sophia Amoruso. 

Rebecca Minkoff, Dee Poku, Jennifer DaSilva, Sophia Amoruso

Girls Lounge